7 Month Check-In

It's only been 7 months since my last entry, so I thought I was due for one! Looking back, it's crazy to think how far I've made it. I survived graduation, getting my heart broken (which is still an on-going healing process), moving away, getting a job, moving back, Thanksgiving, Mom's birthday, Christmas...and in 3 days I'm getting ready to survive the one year milestone of the day I took Mom to the ER; the day that started everything...the day that CHANGED everything. These milestones are ones that I never think I'm going to get through...yet here I am. "A heart can be broken, but it still keeps a-beatin' just the same" from Fried Green Tomatoes always flashes through my mind. How true that is. Life goes on whether you're ready for it or not. It doesn't slow down when I'm having an extra rough day and need extra time to get myself going. Ya know, I don't need these big milestones to remind me that my mom's gone...each day is hard enough in and of itself. I still get the urge to text and call her multiple times a day. I still wonder what's for dinner until it hits me I'm the one going home to make it. Whenever I see her car in the driveway or in the garage I have to remind myself she's not home. It's just crazy to think about that I am still continuing to try to wrap my head around everything 10 months later. When my dad emailed me the stages of grieving when my mom first passed, I never in  a million years dreamed that I could have missed her anymore than I did then. Never. When I read in that email that months 8-10 are the hardest ones, I almost had to laugh....because I just didn't get that it could ever get worse. It said that a lot of times, during that time period is when a lot of firsts happen...and it's also the time when people are expecting you to have moved on with your life. People who haven't gone through something traumatic like this just don't understand how true that is...and how alone it makes me feel. I've found myself getting upset with friends or feeling bitter towards them the past couple months because they don't see it...they don't understand it...they're not there for me...they don't support me how I want/need them to. Blahblahblah...complaincomplaincomplain. Because of these feelings I've isolated myself quite a bit. And now I'm at a point where I see it and am angry at myself for feeling that way. Putting myself in their shoes has slapped me back to reality. My friends have been there for me how they know how to be, and that's all that matters...bottom line. I can't resent anybody for MY situation...and the fact that I've found myself doing that the past few months makes me so incredibly mad. And I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart, if any of you have felt my bitterness lately. I love you and am so thankful for each and every one of you. I am so looking forward to 2012 and taking the necessary steps to positively move FORWARD...not backwards, or staying the same by just "getting through the day"...but forward.
Best wishes to all of you in the upcoming year and hoping you all had a very merry Christmas as well!

Post-Graduation Tonsillitis

Hello strangers! It's been awhile! I made it through my final week of school and survived graduation day with only a few rain drops. I had amazing support getting through my final days and felt all of the love everyone was sending me. I'm still waiting for my diploma in the mail, but since grades came out and I managed to maintain my 4.0 despite everything this semester, it SHOULD be coming soon. I moved my things up to Michigan the day after graduation and then left to go on a road trip. I ended up being bed-ridden with horrible, and I mean horrible, tonsillitis shortly after I made it to my destination, so it wasn't much of a trip. I stayed in bed with a high fever for three and a half days, but I missed being home so much that I slowly drove myself back and am still battling a swollen throat, jaw, and neck. I have a consult for surgery on Thursday and am hoping to have everything done and I'll be fully recovered by the time work starts June 13th. I am currently trying to relax and rejuvenate my body at the lake. It is the first time I have been able to get myself to come up here since my mom's passing. When I think about her it's hard NOT to think about the lake. The two went together; you can't disassociate them. Since the place still isn't opened up yet for the summer (that comes this coming weekend), I've used the quiet time to help heal not only my ailing body, but my soul (as cheesy as that might sound, it's true). It was a beautiful day out Saturday and I spent a lot of the time outside in the sun (finally soaking up some healing UV rays), under the willow tree, and admiring the one that was planted in my mom's memory...picturing how it will look fully grown next to the giant right next to it on the water's edge already. It's going to be beautiful. I find my time up here to be extremely bittersweet, trying to imagine what this first summer up here is going to be like without her. It's going to be tough for everyone. Baby steps. I took my first ones by just getting out of the car when I got here....it only took me two months, but I did it. Bring on the summer baby<3

Banquet Pictures :-)

Gloomy Weather = Gloomy Mood

Today has been a rough day. I had another restless night with horrible dreams. All of them were different scenarios of Mom dying, but none of them accounted for how she actually did die. I remember crying in my dreams, but as I was waking up each time, I was actually physically crying real tears. I had another night exactly like this one the night before the one month anniversary of her death. I'm not sure if I can use "milestones" to attest to my extreme dreaming, but I'm getting recognized for graduating with honors at the senior dinner in a few hours. I can't help but believe that missing her so much on days like the anniversary and days like today plays a significant role in what goes on in my subconscious dreaming. All tonight is is a dinner; I can't imagine what my thoughts are going to be like on graduation day and how my night before that is going to go. It is so incredibly hard going through these successes without my Mom by my side, because she was the one who told me so often how proud she was of me. It probably didn't help either, that I listened to voicemails from her for the first time that I saved on my phone throughout the time she was sick...just in case something did actually happen. I almost erased them when she started getting better. I am so thankful, now, that I didn't. Going from talking to her constantly throughout the day every day (before she got sick) to just...nothing...makes me miss her voice more than anything else in the world. I miss her encouraging words, advice, jokes, laugh, and "I love you's." And I want one of her hugs right now so badly to pick me up and get my head out of the gutter. Despite my intense gloom today, I am excited to celebrate my academic success with my Dad and my Aunt Bonnie who will be here in a couple hours. I miss Mom, but I could not be more thankful for being able to share tonight with them.  
Thank you to everyone who continues to send me beautiful cards, letters, emails, texts, calls, thoughts, and prayers every day. They all mean more than you'll every know.

24 Days...But Who's Counting? =)

I really wish someone could have been videotaping me and my roommate this evening when we faintly heard the ice cream truck strolling through our surrounding neighborhood. We've been talking for awhile now how badly we wished someone would come around when the weather actually got nice. Picture two college girls yelling and screaming down the street and around the entire block, each sprinting and carrying her own piggy bank full of change...while the other college kids are sitting outside enjoying the nice weather and making fun of (they had to have been) how ridiculously determined both of them were to get a Blue Raspberry Screwball. It might have been the funniest five minutes of my life. And I'm pretty sure that if anyone would have gotten us on tape, we could have a shot at winning $100K on America's Funniest Home Videos.
After that adventure, I went and had a massive meal at Scotty's with Nancy (my mom's best friend). She's been coming up once a week to check on me and take me out to dinner...not to mention the few calls and/or texts in between visits. It's easy for me to see why her and my mom were best friends. She's just so amazing. We talked about my graduation, which is creeping up so quickly. Only 24 days left! It's crazy to think that my college career is almost over. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd make it this far, especially without my mama. May 7th is going to mean more to me than anything else ever has. I just have to push through three more busy weeks. Piece of cake though, right? =)

Four Weeks Without My Mama

I never knew what it was like when people talked about missing someone so much that they couldn't breathe. Well, I know that feeling especially well...in fact, it's been an all too-regular occurrence over the past few weeks. It's been unusually hard to catch my breath today, though, as I've been picturing what I was doing exactly four Wednesdays ago. And as I picture that, I picture the major events in my life I have to go through in the future without my mom....graduation in four weeks, job searching, meeting potential future husbands, planning my wedding, having children, etc...as well as just the every day conversations and experiences I miss so much it hurts. I didn't even know it was humanly possible to feel like this. Ever. One of the things that probably makes me more sad than anything is that anyone new I bring into my life doesn't get to experience her.
As bad as I hurt, though, life goes on. Although bitter at first about the recent discovery of how busy I'm actually going to be until the end of the semester, I'm coming to appreciate my mind being temporarily occupied. I should probably just tell all of you right now that, until May 7th, I'll be MIA, camped out in Club Bracken.
On a brighter note, I got an invitation in the mail to a senior's dinner for those graduating with academic honors. I had no idea I was even part of that group, but hey, I'll take it! I know my mom would be beside herself and make me go, so I decided I'm going to go and take my aunt to be my mama for the evening =).

Best Gift EVER

I got the most amazing package in the mail today that I really just can't get over still. Though sicker than a dog (thanks Dad), a smile has been plastered on my face since I opened it up. Laura (a great friend of my mom's) made me a pillow out of one of my mom's sweatshirts. I absolutely love it and just thought I'd share =)

Happiness is a Form of Courage

It's been extremely hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, let alone even go to class or do any school work whatsoever. My comfort zone right now is my bed...why would I want to leave my comfort zone? I find myself losing the battle to push myself to do even the tiniest of tasks. With that said, I've realized that I've lost the happiness in my life. Why? Because happiness is a sort of courage and I've lost all courage to face each day. What do I have left to show for my character?..because, well, taking the coward's way out is pretty pathetic. I know what I'm supposed to do and what I have to do, but getting myself to do it is a whole other story. I keep telling myself, "Casey, just do it. It's not even that hard." But I guess it's a lot easier said than done. As impossible as it seems, I need to find my footing to crawl out of the hole I've dug myself into before I won't ever be able to get out at all.

Struggling today...praying for strength♥

The Secret to Unproductiveness

Want to know what the secret is? A night out on the town. Ask me what I've done on this sunny Sunday and my answer would be, "A whole lot of nothing." I have last night to thank for my worthlessness today =P. I spent my evening (and early morning) in downtown Indy with one of my best friends and former roommate, Kelsey. It was a much needed night out and a really great time. I got to spend a little time with her parents today, too, who came down to see Kels. It was so good to see them, NOT because I got a free lunch =), but because their energy is just always the best. When we went to Wal Mart after lunch I couldn't help but think about how similar my mom and Sue are/were when it comes to shopping for us (Kels and I)...always making sure we have everything we need and more. I can't help but think about my mom when she offers me home-cooked meals whenever I'm home, too. Shopping, cooking, always offering, loving and caring with open arms...that's Sue. And that was my mom in a nutshell. I found myself in tears the entire drive back to Muncie earlier today jealous of my friend who still has her amazing mom and angry that God took mine. I know that everyone says that everything happens for a reason, but the reason for my mom struggling for over two months just to die anyways is still unbeknownst to me. Everyone keeps saying it was to bring my family closer and to show me how amazing everyone in it is, but I've known how amazing my family is...that's old news. This might sound horrible to say, but of all the people on this earth, all the scumbag, worthless people that God could have chosen to take, he chose my mom...one of the most amazing people to walk this earth. And I think that's pretty much the most unfair thing. It's unfair to everyone who loved her and everyone who still needs her. I need my mom, but I don't have her anymore. Where am I supposed to go from here? Well, I don't really know "where" I'm supposed to go, but things couldn't possibly get any worse, so it's only up from here...right? As I ask that question, though rhetorical, I can't help but think of all the advice everyone has been throwing at me for the past few months, and especially the past couple weeks. As something that's supposed to be helpful and encouraging, I find it to be a little overwhelming and not all that helpful. I'm not sure if advice just comes out because no one actually knows what to say at all, and I know that everyone means well (don't get me wrong, I'm extremely thankful for the gesture), but it's not something I'm looking for. I AM, however, looking for support. When in doubt, don't say anything at all...a hug "says" more than most words can and means more (personally) than any advice =)

Where's the Pause Button When You Need One?

As I'm learning to take one step at a time, basically relearning how to put one foot in front of the other, I can't help but wish I could pause the world long enough for me to catch my bearings. Life doesn't stop, let alone even slow down, just because tragedy strikes. How do you get back into the swing of things when all you want to do is stayed curled up in bed all day? Getting back into my routine of school responsibilities this first week back has been a grueling task to say the least. Although a grueling task, it's one that needs to be done, and slowly [but surely] I'm easing my way back into my weekly routine. I only have five weeks left of my college career, yet I feel like I haven't even started my semester. Fortunately, my professors have been more than understanding the past three months and have worked with me to help me in any way possible. The fact that I'm graduating in less than two months should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. Wanting to continue my academic success of making the Dean's List for the sixth semester in a row should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. Making a lasting impression and showing my resilience to my professors, peers, and students should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. Making my family proud should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. These are all great reasons to go out with a bang, but my greatest motivator is doing it for my mom. I had no greater support than her when it came to school and helping me push through when I didn't think I could. She's not here to push me anymore, but I can still hear her saying "You can do it," and I have no doubt in my mind that she's looking down on me and cheering me on like always. I can do this...I have to do this. For her.