Best Gift EVER

I got the most amazing package in the mail today that I really just can't get over still. Though sicker than a dog (thanks Dad), a smile has been plastered on my face since I opened it up. Laura (a great friend of my mom's) made me a pillow out of one of my mom's sweatshirts. I absolutely love it and just thought I'd share =)

Happiness is a Form of Courage

It's been extremely hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, let alone even go to class or do any school work whatsoever. My comfort zone right now is my bed...why would I want to leave my comfort zone? I find myself losing the battle to push myself to do even the tiniest of tasks. With that said, I've realized that I've lost the happiness in my life. Why? Because happiness is a sort of courage and I've lost all courage to face each day. What do I have left to show for my character?..because, well, taking the coward's way out is pretty pathetic. I know what I'm supposed to do and what I have to do, but getting myself to do it is a whole other story. I keep telling myself, "Casey, just do it. It's not even that hard." But I guess it's a lot easier said than done. As impossible as it seems, I need to find my footing to crawl out of the hole I've dug myself into before I won't ever be able to get out at all.

Struggling today...praying for strength♥

The Secret to Unproductiveness

Want to know what the secret is? A night out on the town. Ask me what I've done on this sunny Sunday and my answer would be, "A whole lot of nothing." I have last night to thank for my worthlessness today =P. I spent my evening (and early morning) in downtown Indy with one of my best friends and former roommate, Kelsey. It was a much needed night out and a really great time. I got to spend a little time with her parents today, too, who came down to see Kels. It was so good to see them, NOT because I got a free lunch =), but because their energy is just always the best. When we went to Wal Mart after lunch I couldn't help but think about how similar my mom and Sue are/were when it comes to shopping for us (Kels and I)...always making sure we have everything we need and more. I can't help but think about my mom when she offers me home-cooked meals whenever I'm home, too. Shopping, cooking, always offering, loving and caring with open arms...that's Sue. And that was my mom in a nutshell. I found myself in tears the entire drive back to Muncie earlier today jealous of my friend who still has her amazing mom and angry that God took mine. I know that everyone says that everything happens for a reason, but the reason for my mom struggling for over two months just to die anyways is still unbeknownst to me. Everyone keeps saying it was to bring my family closer and to show me how amazing everyone in it is, but I've known how amazing my family is...that's old news. This might sound horrible to say, but of all the people on this earth, all the scumbag, worthless people that God could have chosen to take, he chose my mom...one of the most amazing people to walk this earth. And I think that's pretty much the most unfair thing. It's unfair to everyone who loved her and everyone who still needs her. I need my mom, but I don't have her anymore. Where am I supposed to go from here? Well, I don't really know "where" I'm supposed to go, but things couldn't possibly get any worse, so it's only up from here...right? As I ask that question, though rhetorical, I can't help but think of all the advice everyone has been throwing at me for the past few months, and especially the past couple weeks. As something that's supposed to be helpful and encouraging, I find it to be a little overwhelming and not all that helpful. I'm not sure if advice just comes out because no one actually knows what to say at all, and I know that everyone means well (don't get me wrong, I'm extremely thankful for the gesture), but it's not something I'm looking for. I AM, however, looking for support. When in doubt, don't say anything at all...a hug "says" more than most words can and means more (personally) than any advice =)

Where's the Pause Button When You Need One?

As I'm learning to take one step at a time, basically relearning how to put one foot in front of the other, I can't help but wish I could pause the world long enough for me to catch my bearings. Life doesn't stop, let alone even slow down, just because tragedy strikes. How do you get back into the swing of things when all you want to do is stayed curled up in bed all day? Getting back into my routine of school responsibilities this first week back has been a grueling task to say the least. Although a grueling task, it's one that needs to be done, and slowly [but surely] I'm easing my way back into my weekly routine. I only have five weeks left of my college career, yet I feel like I haven't even started my semester. Fortunately, my professors have been more than understanding the past three months and have worked with me to help me in any way possible. The fact that I'm graduating in less than two months should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. Wanting to continue my academic success of making the Dean's List for the sixth semester in a row should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. Making a lasting impression and showing my resilience to my professors, peers, and students should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. Making my family proud should be a big enough motivator for me to finish my semester strong. These are all great reasons to go out with a bang, but my greatest motivator is doing it for my mom. I had no greater support than her when it came to school and helping me push through when I didn't think I could. She's not here to push me anymore, but I can still hear her saying "You can do it," and I have no doubt in my mind that she's looking down on me and cheering me on like always. I can do this...I have to do this. For her.