7 Month Check-In

It's only been 7 months since my last entry, so I thought I was due for one! Looking back, it's crazy to think how far I've made it. I survived graduation, getting my heart broken (which is still an on-going healing process), moving away, getting a job, moving back, Thanksgiving, Mom's birthday, Christmas...and in 3 days I'm getting ready to survive the one year milestone of the day I took Mom to the ER; the day that started everything...the day that CHANGED everything. These milestones are ones that I never think I'm going to get through...yet here I am. "A heart can be broken, but it still keeps a-beatin' just the same" from Fried Green Tomatoes always flashes through my mind. How true that is. Life goes on whether you're ready for it or not. It doesn't slow down when I'm having an extra rough day and need extra time to get myself going. Ya know, I don't need these big milestones to remind me that my mom's gone...each day is hard enough in and of itself. I still get the urge to text and call her multiple times a day. I still wonder what's for dinner until it hits me I'm the one going home to make it. Whenever I see her car in the driveway or in the garage I have to remind myself she's not home. It's just crazy to think about that I am still continuing to try to wrap my head around everything 10 months later. When my dad emailed me the stages of grieving when my mom first passed, I never in  a million years dreamed that I could have missed her anymore than I did then. Never. When I read in that email that months 8-10 are the hardest ones, I almost had to laugh....because I just didn't get that it could ever get worse. It said that a lot of times, during that time period is when a lot of firsts happen...and it's also the time when people are expecting you to have moved on with your life. People who haven't gone through something traumatic like this just don't understand how true that is...and how alone it makes me feel. I've found myself getting upset with friends or feeling bitter towards them the past couple months because they don't see it...they don't understand it...they're not there for me...they don't support me how I want/need them to. Blahblahblah...complaincomplaincomplain. Because of these feelings I've isolated myself quite a bit. And now I'm at a point where I see it and am angry at myself for feeling that way. Putting myself in their shoes has slapped me back to reality. My friends have been there for me how they know how to be, and that's all that matters...bottom line. I can't resent anybody for MY situation...and the fact that I've found myself doing that the past few months makes me so incredibly mad. And I am so sorry, from the bottom of my heart, if any of you have felt my bitterness lately. I love you and am so thankful for each and every one of you. I am so looking forward to 2012 and taking the necessary steps to positively move FORWARD...not backwards, or staying the same by just "getting through the day"...but forward.
Best wishes to all of you in the upcoming year and hoping you all had a very merry Christmas as well!