Gloomy Weather = Gloomy Mood

Today has been a rough day. I had another restless night with horrible dreams. All of them were different scenarios of Mom dying, but none of them accounted for how she actually did die. I remember crying in my dreams, but as I was waking up each time, I was actually physically crying real tears. I had another night exactly like this one the night before the one month anniversary of her death. I'm not sure if I can use "milestones" to attest to my extreme dreaming, but I'm getting recognized for graduating with honors at the senior dinner in a few hours. I can't help but believe that missing her so much on days like the anniversary and days like today plays a significant role in what goes on in my subconscious dreaming. All tonight is is a dinner; I can't imagine what my thoughts are going to be like on graduation day and how my night before that is going to go. It is so incredibly hard going through these successes without my Mom by my side, because she was the one who told me so often how proud she was of me. It probably didn't help either, that I listened to voicemails from her for the first time that I saved on my phone throughout the time she was sick...just in case something did actually happen. I almost erased them when she started getting better. I am so thankful, now, that I didn't. Going from talking to her constantly throughout the day every day (before she got sick) to just...nothing...makes me miss her voice more than anything else in the world. I miss her encouraging words, advice, jokes, laugh, and "I love you's." And I want one of her hugs right now so badly to pick me up and get my head out of the gutter. Despite my intense gloom today, I am excited to celebrate my academic success with my Dad and my Aunt Bonnie who will be here in a couple hours. I miss Mom, but I could not be more thankful for being able to share tonight with them.  
Thank you to everyone who continues to send me beautiful cards, letters, emails, texts, calls, thoughts, and prayers every day. They all mean more than you'll every know.