Banquet Pictures :-)

Gloomy Weather = Gloomy Mood

Today has been a rough day. I had another restless night with horrible dreams. All of them were different scenarios of Mom dying, but none of them accounted for how she actually did die. I remember crying in my dreams, but as I was waking up each time, I was actually physically crying real tears. I had another night exactly like this one the night before the one month anniversary of her death. I'm not sure if I can use "milestones" to attest to my extreme dreaming, but I'm getting recognized for graduating with honors at the senior dinner in a few hours. I can't help but believe that missing her so much on days like the anniversary and days like today plays a significant role in what goes on in my subconscious dreaming. All tonight is is a dinner; I can't imagine what my thoughts are going to be like on graduation day and how my night before that is going to go. It is so incredibly hard going through these successes without my Mom by my side, because she was the one who told me so often how proud she was of me. It probably didn't help either, that I listened to voicemails from her for the first time that I saved on my phone throughout the time she was sick...just in case something did actually happen. I almost erased them when she started getting better. I am so thankful, now, that I didn't. Going from talking to her constantly throughout the day every day (before she got sick) to just...nothing...makes me miss her voice more than anything else in the world. I miss her encouraging words, advice, jokes, laugh, and "I love you's." And I want one of her hugs right now so badly to pick me up and get my head out of the gutter. Despite my intense gloom today, I am excited to celebrate my academic success with my Dad and my Aunt Bonnie who will be here in a couple hours. I miss Mom, but I could not be more thankful for being able to share tonight with them.  
Thank you to everyone who continues to send me beautiful cards, letters, emails, texts, calls, thoughts, and prayers every day. They all mean more than you'll every know.

24 Days...But Who's Counting? =)

I really wish someone could have been videotaping me and my roommate this evening when we faintly heard the ice cream truck strolling through our surrounding neighborhood. We've been talking for awhile now how badly we wished someone would come around when the weather actually got nice. Picture two college girls yelling and screaming down the street and around the entire block, each sprinting and carrying her own piggy bank full of change...while the other college kids are sitting outside enjoying the nice weather and making fun of (they had to have been) how ridiculously determined both of them were to get a Blue Raspberry Screwball. It might have been the funniest five minutes of my life. And I'm pretty sure that if anyone would have gotten us on tape, we could have a shot at winning $100K on America's Funniest Home Videos.
After that adventure, I went and had a massive meal at Scotty's with Nancy (my mom's best friend). She's been coming up once a week to check on me and take me out to dinner...not to mention the few calls and/or texts in between visits. It's easy for me to see why her and my mom were best friends. She's just so amazing. We talked about my graduation, which is creeping up so quickly. Only 24 days left! It's crazy to think that my college career is almost over. Never in a million years did I ever think I'd make it this far, especially without my mama. May 7th is going to mean more to me than anything else ever has. I just have to push through three more busy weeks. Piece of cake though, right? =)

Four Weeks Without My Mama

I never knew what it was like when people talked about missing someone so much that they couldn't breathe. Well, I know that feeling especially well...in fact, it's been an all too-regular occurrence over the past few weeks. It's been unusually hard to catch my breath today, though, as I've been picturing what I was doing exactly four Wednesdays ago. And as I picture that, I picture the major events in my life I have to go through in the future without my mom....graduation in four weeks, job searching, meeting potential future husbands, planning my wedding, having children, etc...as well as just the every day conversations and experiences I miss so much it hurts. I didn't even know it was humanly possible to feel like this. Ever. One of the things that probably makes me more sad than anything is that anyone new I bring into my life doesn't get to experience her.
As bad as I hurt, though, life goes on. Although bitter at first about the recent discovery of how busy I'm actually going to be until the end of the semester, I'm coming to appreciate my mind being temporarily occupied. I should probably just tell all of you right now that, until May 7th, I'll be MIA, camped out in Club Bracken.
On a brighter note, I got an invitation in the mail to a senior's dinner for those graduating with academic honors. I had no idea I was even part of that group, but hey, I'll take it! I know my mom would be beside herself and make me go, so I decided I'm going to go and take my aunt to be my mama for the evening =).